Friendship is mysterious – something we tend to take for
granted and, like anything else, we realize how desperately we miss it once
it’s gone.
I have many acquaintances here in Salamanca and some people
that I have enjoyed talking to, both American and Spanish. But I have yet to find
someone here who I feel understands me, who really cares about my well-being and
happiness and who feels that my friendship is important to theirs. Over the past few days, I've been trying to sort out my feelings on this. I'll willingly admit that some of the time I have spent feeling lonely and sorry for myself, but other times I have really tried to challenge myself to dig deeper and really think about what I want from this experience.
Wherever my adventures have taken me, it seems that I have been able to find one or two people to connect with on a deeper level - whether at Barnard, in Israel on a kibbutz, a military base, or living in Madison for the summer. It took time and effort to forge these friendships, and some took longer than others. But in the end I had the capacity to connect. Here, it's been more difficult, and honestly I'm not exactly sure why. I think part of it is that we've only been here for a few weeks and that everyone is spread out through the city. But I think it's more than that. I think that making friends here and how one goes about it has something to do with why one studies abroad in the first place. Everyone has such different reasons for being here, goals that they want to reach and things they want to prove to themselves and I think these differences affect the way we interact with one another.
There are many reasons why I chose to study abroad - some of which I'm sure I will continue to discover throughout my time here. But, as of now, I'm not really sure whether or not I really came here to make friends. When I find myself spending time alone, experiencing culture during the day and then talking to loved ones at home and getting a full night's sleep, sometimes I feel like I'm doing something wrong, that I'm missing out, that somehow this is not the abroad experience that I'm 'supposed' to be having. I often get caught up in wanting to and worrying about making friends and I think that this, like searching for love, makes connecting with people more difficult. I wonder if it's possible to be open to friendships without looking for them, and in the meantime, just to focus on doing what I want at any given moment. It doesn't sound too difficult, right? But the part of me that struggles with uncertainty struggles with this too. I am caught in the binary that so often defines my thoughts and actions - either I decide now that I'm done trying to make friends and go it solo, or I keep trying and looking and searching for friends day in and day out. Rationally, I know that a happy medium exists, that I need not see my situation in such black and white terms. But I have always struggled with the gray area.
This post doesn't have an arc or a final umph - I just simply wanted to try and get my thoughts on paper and to share some of my experiences and insecurities with those of you who read this as I continue on my journey. Although I may not have made strong connections here, every day from across the world you all manage to make me feel loved. This, is truly remarkable. Thank you for caring about me and for your friendship.
Todo mi amor,
AB
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